The Unknown Misery of Umino Iruka
by RetardedKangaroo
Summary: One bad day, the worst of his life, sends Iruka down a downwards spiral of sadness and depression.  That was an awful description. I swear it's better than that.


A/N: This idea's been rolling around in my head for quite a while... finally decided to write it. It took a waaaaay drastic turn and totally went off into the unexpected. But I still like it. Be warned, it's not anywhere _near_ as funny and cute as my other one. In fact, it's not either of those things at all. It's actually quite depressing. So be forewarned. Also, I don't know if you can really call this KakaIru, but there is males in relationships with one another, so yeah. Anyway, hope you enjoy it; rate and review!

Rated T for language and some depressing stuff that I won't say because it gives it away. So yeah.

Naruto (c) Masashi Kishimoto

...and I am Masashi Kishimoto :] Lol, just kidding. I don't own Naruto.

PS: Sorry for my tendency toward very long sentences... I don't know, it's just a habit of mine. Please let me know if it bothers you, or if I have any run-ons, because I hate those just as much as the next writer. Thanks for your help!

**The Unknown Misery of Umino Iruka**

The sun glistened in the sky, illuminating all in its path, as Sasuke strolled down the streets of Konoha. He wasn't in any particular rush, and he continued to meander along, observing the miscellaneous shops and things that surrounded him. The young Uchiha stopped and caught a glimpse of a clock in one of the shops.

_Damn..._ he thought, and quickened his pace, toward south Konoha, going in a certain to direction to get to certain place, leaving the shops and good-natured banter that went on between the shopkeepers and customers behind.

.~.~.~.~.~.~.

Iruka sat down hard in his chair. He and Kakashi had had a fight yesterday, and it had just passed lunch time at the Academy, when he usually saw Kakashi, without a single sighting of the jounin since yesterday. He sighed heavily and got the head sets ready for the mission that the children would later go on to retrieve a missing rabbit while the children played at recess.

Iruka stared wide-eyed at the scene before him. He saw a small body, mangled beyond recognition, with burns on his face and arms, his legs twisted in directions they weren't supposed to go. He stood, shocked, with his jaw locked tight. When the children told him they had been attacked randomly by an enemy ninja, he had no idea it would be like this. One might think that Iruka would have rushed over to him, check if his heart was still beating. But one would be wrong. He continued to stand, because he knew this child was already dead. He could form only one thought: at least no other children were hurt. But that sounded cruel and uncompassionate, even to his own ears. Because for this boy's family, one death was enough.

When Iruka told the boy's family, the boy's mother broke into tears. Her husband put his hand on her back, comforted her, and tried to be strong, but Iruka took one look into the deep pools of the beautiful blue eyes that he had passed on to his son, and knew the sadness that lay there. He saw it in the deep lines of his face, in the twist of his mouth, in the slight shaking of his hands. There were five siblings: three brothers, two sisters. Iruka heard sobs coming from both girls, and all the boys save the oldest. Iruka closed his eyes and put his hand on his forehead, tilting his head down. He didn't look at the brothers and sisters. As he sat there, listening to the sobs, Iruka thought back to all the memories he had with the boy. He reminded him of Naruto, in a way, always loud and excited, ready for new things to come. But he was also compassionate and kind, the type of child that everyone in the class liked. Iruka felt tears coming to his eyes, and stopped reminiscing. Ridden with guilt, he tried to go back to all the things he had taught the child, thinking of something he could have taught him to prevent this. He traced back to every lesson, every class. There was nothing he could have taught to save this little boy. The chuunin teacher got up and left, leaving the family to grieve.

As Iruka left the child's house, the composure he had been trying to keep up for them shattered. The enormous pressure weighing down on him gained a thousand pounds. His heart beat quickly, and his body shook. He felt a tear trickle down his face as he forced himself to keep walking, changing his destination to where he knew he needed to go.

.~.~.~.~.~.~.

As Iruka knocked on Kakashi's door, he didn't give a damn that they just had a fight. Kakashi could get over it, because Iruka needed him now. He knew that the silver-haired jounin was the only person who could help him get of this hole, help mend his heart where it had shattered. He had been standing there for about thirty seconds, thinking, and still no answer from the jounin. Iruka furrowed his eyebrows and knocked again. He hoped to hell Kakashi was there, because if he wasn't Iruka didn't have energy to do anything else. He would collapse on the ground, letting the pressure on his chest consume him as he gave up straining against it. Kakashi still didn't answer. Iruka tried the door knob, desperate, and was surprised to see that it was unlocked. Another tear ran down his cheek slowly, unbidden, as Iruka cautiously pushed open the door.

The lights were all off in the apartment, and that mixed with the fact the door was open gave Iruka an ominous feeling. He looked around the hallway he was standing in, craning his neck to see if there were any lights on in the next hallway. As Iruka slowly went deeper and deeper into the apartment, the combination of fear and sorrow choked him, and his throat closed. His usually steady hands were shaking, as he left the living area and kitchen and went to the hallway that contained the bedrooms.

He looked down the hallway that he had been down so many times before. He moved slowly, trying to make as little noise as possible as he noted some small details that he hadn't noticed before. His breath caught in his throat as he noticed that all the doors were open, except the one at the end of the hallway, directly in front of him. The one he knew to be Kakashi's bedroom. Iruka attempted to push his growing anxiety to the back of his mind as he first investigated the doors that were open, praying he wouldn't have to go to Kakashi's bedroom and find out why that door was closed. But, much to his dismay, room after room, nothing out of the ordinary struck him. He looked in the last room before Kakashi's, now completely consumed with fear. He reminded himself that he needed his Kakashi, and whatever was behind his door couldn't possibly be that bad anyway. So, putting on a brave face and pushing down his sadness that he still felt, he put his hand on the door knob, turned it, slowly pushed the door open, and walked into the room.

His heart, that had already shattered twice that day, stopped. It couldn't take the shock, and it simply refused to continue working. Iruka's mouth fell open, and his eyes were as wide as plates. His breathing quickened and became labored, as his mind furiously tried to come up with some rational reasoning as to what was in front of him, other than what he refused to believe. Kakashi was lying on the bed, asleep, with his shirt off, and with the covers over his lower half so Iruka couldn't tell if he had on pants. But that wasn't what stopped his heart. What made him gasp for breath, was the person who was there with him. Kakashi shifted a bit in his sleep, nuzzling closer to Sasuke, around whom he had wrapped his arm. Sasuke held on to said arm, also asleep, also shirtless. Iruka gasped for every breath, and convinced himself he was hallucinating from the amount of sadness he had felt earlier that day. His mind continued to race, trying to conjure some reason as to why this was happening. Iruka swallowed hard, and he knew what he had to do. He walked to the left of the bed, where Sasuke was, very quietly. He took hold of that corner of the blanket, dread slowly rising in his soul. He lifted it higher, and then immediately dropped it, quickly turning away. His suspicion had been confirmed: Sasuke didn't have on pants. Iruka fell to his knees, and desperately tried to contain sobs that were coming along with his openly flowing tears. He got up, walked over to the door, slammed it closed, and yelled, "Dammit Kakashi! What the hell is this!"

Kakashi and Sasuke both immediately jumped awake. Sasuke was petrified; he stared at Iruka and didn't move an inch, even to cover up himself. Kakashi got out of the bad, thankfully at least half-dressed, and walked over to Iruka.

"Uh... hey, Iruka. W-what are you doing here?" Kakashi asked nervously, his hand on the back of his neck.

Iruka struggled to try find words in the haze of sadness, fear, and anger in his mind. "Don't fucking hey Iruka me! What the hell is this!" he pointed at Sasuke, who was still petrified, but now with a blush on his face.

"Now, Iruka, calm down..."

"Don't fucking tell me to calm down! Explain to me exactly what the hell this is!"

Kakashi sighed. "What do you want me to tell you, Iruka? Do you want me to lie to you? It's what it looks like, and you know it. Getting confirmation from me won't help you."

Iruka made incomprehensible noises as he tried to wrap his brain around everything that had happened to him that day. _This is the worst day of my life..._ Iruka thought. Finally, he gave up trying to understand it all, and one thought shot clear through his mind. "Why, Kakashi? Why would you do this to me? What happened to all those good times we had? What about the long nights, the missions, the festivals, the happiness, and all the other special days we had together? Why would you fucking do this to me! What does he," he pointed at Sasuke,"have that you want so much, dammit!" Kakashi didn't answer, but just looked down at the floor. Iruka clenched his jaw. He whispered, "How could you do this to me Kakashi? I loved you." Iruka looked at the man's face, and Kakashi's eyes shot up in surprise. Iruka had never told him that before, and neither had Kakashi. But now it was too late. Obviously he didn't love him anyway. Iruka looked one last time at Kakashi's eyes, then looked at Sasuke and shook his head. Then, the chuunin took what was left of his dignity and of his shredded heart, turned on his heel, and left.

.~.~.~.~.~.~.

Two weeks later, the little boy's funeral was to be. Iruka looked into the mirror, checking his black suit to see that it looked good. He picked up the white lilies that he had picked up from Yamanaka flower shop, and went out the door to attend a funeral.

When Iruka arrived at the funeral, he didn't want to look back into the faces of the family members that were still grieving, so he could see there what wasn't in his face. Ever since that day, Iruka has been completely numb. He teaches the students everyday, and frankly he doesn't care if they pass or fail, doesn't congratulate them if they do well. Whenever one of them got injured, he treated the wound without compassion or soothing words. These days, Iruka didn't feel much of anything. He didn't feel sad, happy, angry, or excited. Really, the only emotion he felt, if it could even be called that, was apathy. So now here he was, staring at the closed casket of someone about whom he used to care. When the time came, he went up to the casket that had been opened so people could say their good byes. He stood there, looking down at the boy, for about thirty seconds, so it would look like he was thinking something kind. When felt he had stood long enough, he went to the altar and put down the white lilies he had bought as formality, and avoided looking at the child's mother's tear-stained face as he went to his seat.

.~.~.~.~.~.~.

Iruka walked into his apartment, throwing down the keys onto a table near the door. Ever since Iruka had become numb, he had virtually stopped cleaning his apartment, and he had to step over quite a few thing to get to his bedroom. Once he got there, he changed out of his suit, glad to be free of the burden, and sat down on his bed. He looked around the room; it wasn't in much better shape than the living room. He lay back on the bed, thinking of something to do. He saw something shiny glimmer out of the corner of his eye. He looked to his right, where his nightstand was, and discovered the shiny thing was a kunai. He picked it up and held it in his hand, examining it. He held one tip of it in his in his right index finger, the other in the left. It glistened in the light, and Iruka was oddly mesmerized by it. As he continued to marvel, suddenly a bird crashed into window, making him jump. When he was startled, his hands jerked, and the sharp tip of the kunai punctured his right index finger. He put the kunai down, and inspected his cut finger. Iruka had been so numb in the past two weeks, and he relished the feeling of not being numb anymore. This kunai... allowed him to feel. This new discovery exhilarated him, and he picked up his kunai again. He looked at the little instrument in his hand that would take away the numbness, take away the apathy, and take away the events that caused him to be that way.

.~.~.~.~.~.~.

Whenever Iruka knew Kakashi had come back from a mission and had to turn the report in, Iruka went on break, or pretended to go to bathroom, or used some other method of avoiding him. He never wanted to see the cheating bastard again. Unforutantely, however, this time, Iruka was not so quick. Word had not traveled yet, and Iruka had had no idea that Kakashi was already back. When he heard the door knob turning, Iruka looked up, and was shocked.

Kakashi stood awkwardly in the doorway, not knowing whether he should continue into the room or not. He quickly saw that Iruka was the only clerk there, and forced himself to continue walking into the room, trying to convince himself the entire time that it was something he needed to do. Iruka, temporarily cleared of the numbness thanks to his most recent session during lunch, immediately felt anger flow through him. It was a good feeling; and bad at the same time. Sadness and memories of that day came too, which only made the chuunin more angry as he looked upon the advancing man.

"Hi, Iruka." Kakashi said, with feigned nonchalance. _The nerve of this guy! Coming in, 'Hi Iruka!' I can't stand looking at him!_ Iruka fumed internally. His arms throbbed, reminding him of what this man made him do.

"How's your little boy toy? Is he putting out good enough for you?" Iruka snapped, and Kakashi immediately knew that trying to make nice wouldn't work.

Kakashi sighted. "Look, Iruka, I'm not here to argue with you. I'm just turning in my mission report, so here." The taller man reached out to give Iruka the report, and, being shorter, Iruka reached up slightly to get it. In that today he was wearing a loose shirt, the sleeve rolled up a little, revealing numerous scars, some old, some very new. Iruka took the paper, and Kakashi suddenly reached out and grabbed hold of Iruka's arm.

"What are you doing?" Iruka asked, irked, and a little nervous.

"Iruka, where the hell did you get all these scars?" Kakashi said, sounding very angry and protective. Iruka noted that for some reason Kakashi had his sharingan out.

"I'm a ninja, Kakashi. It happens sometimes." Iruka snapped.

"No Iruka, you couldn't get this many in such a short amount of time. I know these weren't there before; I've seen it." The statement made Iruka flash back to painful memories of his relationship with Kakashi. He despised the man for reminding him, but also recognized that Kakashi had him there. He had definitely seen it.

Iruka came back with the only thing he could. "Whatever, Kakashi. You don't know me anymore. Just leave me alone and get away from me." With that, Iruka yanked back his arm. Kakashi didn't say anything, but had a sad look in his eyes. Iruka looked down and away from him, and Kakashi left.

.~.~.~.~.~.~.

Iruka begged one of his co-workers to take over for him so he could leave early, exclaiming that he had done all his work for him while he was lunch. The man reluctantly agreed, with a slight worried look on his face. Iruka ignored his unspoken concerns and left, heading off to the local casino.

Once there, Iruka sat at the bar, ignoring the casino completely, and immediately rested his head on his palm, as if the effort of keeping his head up was too much for him to be bothered with. The bartender came over to him.

"What can I get for you today, sir?" the bartender asked him.

"Get me a bottle of sake." Iruka instructed, moving as little as possible to conserve energy.

The bartender looked a little skeptical. "You sure you want a whole bottle?"

Iruka, annoyed with being questioned, snapped, "Yes, I'm sure." The bartender didn't say anything back, and gave Iruka his bottle of sake.

"So, why the long face?" the bartender asked Iruka, the only person sitting at the bar.

"Oh, nothing. I just hate my life."

The bartender chuckled, thinking him kidding. "Don't we all, my friend. Don't we all." Iruka tried to smile but only managed a weak grimace, and the bartender went away.

Tsunade slammed her fist down on the green felt table, shaking it and everything on it. "Dammit!" she yelled. The Black Jack dealer desperately tried to rearrange everything that Tsunade had knocked down in her anger for the third time that evening. Tsunade had just lost 100,000 yen (about $1,000) on one hand, and, as always when she lost, she was not happy. She stood up from the table, not wanting to play Black Jack anymore. She started walking towards the slot machines, having the layout of the local casino memorized, which were a little ways away from the door, and through her angry haze, she thought she saw the brown pony tail that Iruka always wore. She looked again, but the guy she thought was Iruka had already staggered out the door, obviously drunk. She told Shizune to go secure her a slot machine, and walked over to the bar.

"Excuse me?" Tsunade called, to get the bartender's attention. The bartender looked over at her, and, recognizing her as she was not only a regular of this casino, but also the Hokage, broke into a grin.

"Hello, Hokage-sama. Can I get you something to drink?"

"Well, I'll take a glass of sake, but I'd also like some information. That guy who was just here at the bar, did he have a brown pony tail, by any chance?"

The bartender's eyebrows furrowed. "Why yes, he did."

"Excellent. Did he have a horizontal scar on his face, across the bridge of his nose?"

The bartender, wondering how Tsunade knew these things, looked puzzled and confirmed, "Yes. He talked to me a little bit. He seemed to like his privacy, didn't really want to talk to me although he tried to make it look like he didn't mind. He ordered an entire bottle of sake, drank it all, then asked for two more glasses. I was a little worried, to be honest."

Now Tsunade's own brows knitted in confusion. _That doesn't sound like Iruka at all..._ she thought, more worried than she had been.

"Eh, bartender, one last thing."

"What's that, Hokage-sama?"

"What did he say to you?"

.~.~.~.~.~.~.

Iruka staggered drunkenly down the street that night. As soon as he saw Tsunade there, he got up to leave, hoping that she wouldn't see him. He didn't think that she had.

As he continued to walk down the street, tripping over his own feet, he came across Naruto. Iruka forced himself to gain some composure.

"Oh, hey, Naruto-kun!" Iruka forced himself to say. Naruto seemed to notice something was off, but didn't say anything.

"Oi, hi Iruka-sensei. What's been up?"

"Oh, na' much really, jus' workin' lots." Iruka giggled. He was excited; he couldn't wait to go home to his precious kunai.

"Iruka-sensei, are you okay?" Naruto asked, watching Iruka sway on his feet as he stood in place.

"Oh yeah! Defin'ly. Why'd you ask somethin' like tha'?" Iruka was aware of his voice slurring, and the confounded expression on Naruto's face, but they only made him giggle more.

"Hey, Naruto, yer so cute when yer confused, you know that? Oopsie daisy!" Iruka said, so intently watching Naruto's countenance go from mildly confused to absolutely bewildered, that he forgot to look where was going, and he tripped on a crack in the street.

"Iruka-sensei, are you okay?" Naruto said, looking down to where his old teacher had fallen.

"Oh, I'm fine, don' worry 'bout me. Jus' be goin' on yer way, Naruto. I'll see you 'round."

Naruto furrowed his eyebrows. "Um... well... bye, I guess."

"Bye!" Iruka cried jovially back, and he continued to stagger down the street.

_What the hell?_ Naruto wondered. He shrugged his shoulders and continued off in the direction of Ichiraku.

~One Week Later~

Once again, Iruka was alone at the office. The other chuunins who worked there were off at lunch, but he wasn't hungry. Ever since Naruto had dragged him to Ichiraku and he had an awful time, he didn't really appreciate eating anymore. He ate when he had to and besides that he didn't really care for it. Today, Iruka was swamped with work. He was so busy that he didn't even bother to read the memos that had been sent him, figuring that he'd have time to read them after he was done with his work. As Iruka scribbled writing on different documents, he was so consumed that he didn't hear the door open until it was completely open.

"Iruka?" Tsunade called tentatively, standing in the doorway. Iruka looked up from his work, surprised, not having heard her come in.

"Hello, Hokage-sama. Do you need something?" Iruka asked, wondering what the Hokage could possibly want.

The blond fifty-something did not move from the doorway, raising up her arms and resting them on the sides of it. "Well," she began, as if not exactly sure what to say, "nothing really, you know... I just wanted to talk to you."

Iruka gained a quizzical look, and continued to stare at the Hokage. "Talk." he said simply.

"So... about a week ago, I was at the local casino..." a seed of fear dropped into Iruka's soul, and she paused purposely to gauge his reaction, which was quite evident on his face, "and I thought I saw a guy who looked like you there, but I wasn't sure. So I went over to the bar, since the guy was drunk as hell," here Iruka grimaced, "and do you know what the bartender said?"

Iruka's mouth was very dry, but he couldn't exactly be sure of the reason. "What?" he croaked.

"He said, 'Why yes, there was a man here with a brown pony tail and a horizontal scar," Iruka's argument of the fact that lots of people had pony tails disappeared as it had only just formed, "and he ordered _an entire bottle of sake_ and then _two more glasses_ and drank them all.' He also said that you obviously didn't want to talk to him, even though you tried to make it look like you wouldn't mind. Apparently the facade faded after a quarter bottle, huh Iruka? Anyway, I thought, 'Well that doesn't sound like Iruka at all!', which I think is true, don't you think Iruka?" the chuunin in question flinched. "And then you'll inever/i believe what he said next, Iruka. He said, that you had said, that you hated your life!" Tsunade yelled the last part, suddenly angry. "Explain yourself!" Tsunade ordered.

During Tsunade's rant, Iruka had been trying to compose himself, something he had had a lot of practice doing lately, and finally he had succeeded. "Hokage-sama, not to be rude, but I don't believe it's any of your business to know what I do with my spare time." he said, trying to be diplomatic and not anger her.

Tsunade's eyes hardened, then softened again, to where they were before she started the rant. "Iruka, perhaps you don't understand. You are right, as your boss what you do in your spare time is none of my business. But, as your_ friend_ I have a right to be worried about you, Iruka. Why did you do this? You never get drunk. You hardly even drink at all! And then there's this about how you... hate your life? I mean, ever since a little less than a month ago, your entire personality has changed! What happened, Iruka? What's wrong?" Tsunade finished.

Iruka should have been touched by how worried she was for him, but he wasn't. Instead he was angry, because he didn't know how to respond to this. When she was acting as his boss, it was easy. It was just none of her business. But when she was his friend, it was much harder. "Hokage-sama," he started, using a cold tone to counter her desperate one, "I'm fine. There's nothing wrong. Really, I don't even know what you're worried about. I just had a couple of drinks; it's not a crime. And frankly, I don't appreciate you treating me like your child. I don't need you to look after me. I'm a grown man; I can take care of myself." Iruka replied.

"Iruka, how can you say nothing is wrong! You're a completely different person now! You say mean things like that, you go and get drunk at a casino! There's obviously something wrong here!"

Iruka was annoyed with her rantings. Why wouldn't she just accept his answer? "Hokage-sama, honestly I don't know what else to tell you. I had a couple of drinks. Make of it what you will, but please do it out of my company if you're going to continue to act this way and not trust me. I feel hurt that you won't accept my answer, and if you don't believe me you might as well not ask. So please, just leave me alone." he finished, watching the hurt flash in Tsunade's eyes.

"Fine," she whispered, "have it your way." And with that, she turned and left the room.

~The Next Day~

Iruka sighed as he sat back down after his brief ten minute break, in which he ate so he could work during the hour that the other employees had lunch. The only problem with the lunch schedule they had is that it was random. Whenever the Hokage felt like eating, that's when they would eat. Therefore, if you were a ninja coming to turn in a mission report, you didn't know if there was actually anyone there. Luckily, Iruka was there, so they didn't really have to worry. Iruka was way behind on work because of Tsunade's fun little interruption yesterday. He was so busy he still hadn't had the time to read those memos, and he got like ten more, one with an urgent tag on it which after some consideration he decided to ignore because he figured whatever was there could probably wait. Now, as the door knob turned, Iruka once again did not look up. The door opened, forcing Iruka to take his eyes off his precious work and attend to whoever was coming in.

"Oh, not you again!" Iruka cried in distress, "You've already done enough to me, why can't you just leave me alone?" _Damn, I should have read that urgent memo... this is probably what it was about... _he thought.

Kakashi recoiled at the rude greeting. "Well, I'm sorry, Iruka, but you happen to be the only one here so I'm afraid you'll have to take this mission report." The jounin strode across the room and held out the mission report, which was quickly snatched by Iruka. He tried bring his hand back just as quickly, but once again his former lover took hold of Iruka's wrist.

"Dammit, Kakashi, what do you want from me?" Iruka cried, tired of the older man's antics. Kakashi turned his arm over and rolled up Iruka's sleeve all the way up to his shoulder. Iruka didn't know why he let him do it, but at that moment, it seemed impossible to object to his touch. Iruka swallowed hard, not wanting to feel anything for the man who had broken his heart.

"Iruka, what have you done to yourself?" Kakashi whispered, as he stared down at the dozens of scars, old and new, that went all the way up to his shoulder because Iruka had run out of room.

This frustrated Iruka. "Kakashi, I told you once and I'll tell you again. I'm a ninja, these things happen. Now let go of my arm and leave me alone." Iruka said, but his heart wasn't in it, and he didn't pull his arm away. And Kakashi didn't let go.

"Iruka, do you remember the last time I came here? Did you notice that I had the sharingan on? I did that because I knew what you were doing. You can't fool, me, Iruka. I can see right through you." Kakashi ran the index finger of his free hand across Iruka's jaw, then up to his lips. Iruka was mesmerized, and he didn't do anything to stop him. "Using the sharingan, I remembered the exact position of all your scars." His tone turned serious. "There are new ones, Iruka." He traced the jagged scar that ran all the way from his wrist to his shoulder, where all the other ones were straight and short. He traced the crooked one, the one that Iruka had made when he was drunk, accidentally. His finger raised goose bumps in its wake. "And I happen to know that you haven't been on any missions in quite a while, information that comes straight from the Hokage, herself. Iruka," he said, his voice low, cupping Iruka's chin staring into his deep brown eyes, "why do you do this to yourself?"

"How do you think Sasuke would feel if he saw you coming on to me like this?" Iruka retorted, and the moment was shattered. Kakashi released Iruka's chin, and his eyes returned from deep pools back to regular eyes. Kakashi didn't say anything.

"Really Kakashi? I mean, of all people, Sasuke? Really? You know he's a little less than twenty years younger than you, right?" Iruka asked. Kakashi smirked under his mask.

"Well, what can I say. He's very... interesting." Kakashi said, his eye glinting mischievously.

"I don't even want to _begi_n to contemplate what you mean by that." Kakashi smiled again, his eye turning up into a crescent. "Anyway, Kakashi, is there any reason why you're still here?"

The smile dropped off Kakashi's face as he remembered why he was there. "You still haven't told me, Iruka. Why?"

Iruka frowned. "Oh, are you still on that? Can't you just drop it already?" Iruka said.

"No."

"Fine. You really want to know, Kakashi? I'll tell you. On the day the I found you and Sasuke," he tried to repress the painful memories. He wished Kakashi would go away and that he wasn't at work so he could get out his kunai, "something had happened. A student of mine died. I had to tell his parents, and believe me, that made it even harder on me. I knew that you were the only person who could make me feel better. Even if we had just had a fight, I needed you. So I went to your house, hoping to make up. But instead," Iruka looked at Kakashi's face, starting to hate him all over again, "you made it even worse."

After that day, I had no emotion. I didn't feel sadness, happiness, anger, or compassion. I was an empty shell; numb. I was completely numb to everything. This, Kakashi," he gestured to his scars, "helps me feel again. I was so tired of being numb, and when I do this it takes the numbness away. It takes away all the bad memories and just exhilarates me. The reason I'm even talking to you right now and being angry at you is because of it. Otherwise, I would've just ignored you. Taken your mission report and not listen to anything else you had to say. This, Kakashi," his voice broke as his emotions choked him, "keeps me from fucking losing my mind."

Kakashi said nothing. He bounded over to Iruka, and embraced him. He stood there, silent, until Iruka hugged him back. He felt tears shed on his shoulder, and ignored it. Shinobi don't cry could be saved for another day.

He heard the choked, whispered pleas. "Please, Kakashi. Help me. Take me back." He begged into Kakashi's neck, his body shaking.

"I'm sorry, Iruka. I can't." Oddly enough, Kakashi felt regret for that answer. But that was something to be addressed another day. Iruka openly sobbed now, and Kakashi did nothing but stand there and let him.

After about five minutes, Iruka stopped crying. "Remember, Iruka. I will always love you." Kakashi said. Iruka looked up, surprised, and wanted to respond, but the elusive silver-haired jounin was already gone.

.~.~.~.~.~.~.

Iruka had left work without asking anyone, not encountering anyone on his way out as they were all at lunch. He didn't care anymore. He needed that kunai, and he needed it now. He didn't care what happened. When Iruka got to his door, he couldn't possibly unlock it quickly enough.

He rushed through his apartment as quickly as could with all the mess, almost tripping on a shoe in his haste. He quickly recovered and continued to his room. Once there, he sat on his bed, raised up his sleeve, and, picking up his kunai, made a long, straight cut about three inches long starting at his wrist. He waited for the bliss. And waited. And waited more. _What's going on?_ Thought Iruka, going into a panic. _Why isn't it working?_ Iruka didn't know what do; he was desperate. So he did the only thing he could do. He made a bigger cut. This time, the wound ran all the way up to his elbow. He waited again. In a haze of pain and dizziness and blood, and with his only way of coping slipping away, Iruka panicked. He made a huge slash from his wrist to his shoulder. He then made an identical one on his other arms, and one on each of his legs from ankle to pelvic bone. This was his last hope. He lay in wait, until his bliss finally came.

.~.~.~.~.~.~.

As Kakashi walked down the streets of Konoha to get back to his apartment, where Sasuke was waiting, he couldn't help but feel that something wasn't right. Maybe he shouldn't have left Iruka all alone after that. Kakashi told himself he was just being paranoid and tried to push the thought to the back of his mind. But as he kept walking, he only grew more and more worried, until he gave up, turned around, and headed to Iruka's apartment.

Kakashi knocked lightly on Iruka's door, promising himself that if Iruka wasn't here he was at work and that Kakashi would go home after that. Iruka still hadn't answered the door, leading Kakashi to believe that he was at work. He turned around to walk away, but then a thought struck him. He turned back toward the door and took hold of the knob. He turned it, and found the door to be unlocked. He opened the door and walked inside.

When Kakashi saw the state the apartment was in, he was shocked. It looked like it hadn't been cleaned in months. There was rotten food everywhere, dirty plates in the sink. The ground was disgusting and Kakashi didn't care to examine it more closely. Kakashi forced himself to push past it and continue on into the apartment. There was a short hallway directly across from him, which had two bedrooms and a bathroom in it. Both the bathroom door and one bedroom door were open. The one that was directly across from him was closed, and Kakashi had a feeling that was the door that led to Iruka's bedroom. He walked across the filth, trying not to trip on anything, and took only a brief look in the open bedroom and bathroom because he knew the closed door would be where he would have to go. Then again, there could be nothing in there; he could be at work and just have forgotten to lock the door. Kakashi slowly opened the door. And gasped.

~Two Weeks Later~

All around him Kakashi heard sobs. Everyone from students, to fellow teachers, to even the parents of students were weeping for the loss of Iruka. Naruto took it particularly hard, trying desperately to hold in the tears he wanted to shed. Sakura openly wept, and was being comforted by Naruto. Sasuke refused to look anywhere but down. He could not look at Kakashi. He could not look at the portrait of Iruka, smiling and happy, over his casket. Because as much as he tried not to think so, he knew this was partially his fault. He had had a large role in the untimely death of his and many others' beloved teacher. So, he said nothing. He kept his mind clear. And he kept his eyes on the ground.

Kakashi looked up at the gray sky; fitting for the occasion. Kakashi was ridden with guilt. He was ridden with "If only"s. If only I had stayed, and not left him there. If only I had taken him back. If only... I had never cheated on him in the first place. Lost in his thoughts, Kakashi didn't notice Naruto tapping his arm.

"Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto called, when he didn't respond to the tapping. Kakashi was startled out of his thoughts, and he looked down at Naruto.

"Hm?" he asked.

"Why did Iruka-sensei commit suicide?" he asked, his voice strangled, unshed tears flooding his eyes.

Kakashi thought about telling them the truth, telling them the of unknown misery of Umino Iruka. But he decided that Iruka wouldn't have wanted him to. He would have wanted to be remembered as the fun-loving, happy-go-lucky academy teacher who didn't know the definition of sadness. He wouldn't want them to know of the secret torture. The times he struggled just to get through the day. The reason why Kakashi made sure that Iruka's clothes would completely cover his arms and legs. All the torture that Kakashi put him through. So, instead of baring the burdens of Umino Iruka that his soul contained, he lied. "I don't know, Naruto. I just don't know."

When the time came for the people to individually go up, say their good byes, and leave their flowers, Kakashi was at the very end of the line. He didn't want to face Iruka. He didn't want to have to look down at him to see what he caused. But he did. Sasuke was three people in front of him, and he knew the boy felt sorrow, when he shouldn't. And that was his fault too. Sasuke spent about a minute there, after leaving a white rose for Iruka.

When it finally came to be Kakashi's turn, he took a deep breath and stepped forward. He took a second to admire the arrangement of flowers they had done: it was all white roses. In Kakashi's hands was a red rose, the only one allowed to be put there today. Kakashi used one of the thorns to slice the pad of his right index finger. He let a single drop of his blood fall onto the top of the rose, and placed it on top of the others. He walked over to Iruka's open casket, and looked down at him. At what he caused. It was all his fault. Kakashi regretted his stupid decision to be with Sasuke. He caused the boy grief, and now Iruka was dead. That was the worst decision he had ever made. So selfish. He looked down at the man, and whispered, "I'm so sorry, Iruka. I'm so sorry." He let a single tear drop into Iruka's hair, just like the drop of his blood on the rose. "Good bye, Iruka." he said to the man he had loved, and would love forever, as he closed the casket.

End A/N: Well... that was depressing. My first time writing something so depressing (as far as prose goes), not to mention that long! Geez, that took forever. Wtf! Kakashi is the bad guy! That's not supposed to happen! I know, but doesn't cheating seem like something Kakashi would do? I don't know why I feel like that, but it just seems to me that it's something he would be capable of. Hmm. Also, I'm sorry if that was completely boring and awful. I don't know, it was kind of new to me. I hope you liked it anyway, because I worked really hard on it :] Anyway, please review and rate :] Thanks for reading.


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